Choices

I do not feel loved.

My voice is drowned out by my own kindness, empathy, and consideration. I have no confidence. No assurance that I am desired. I put my own needs, emotions, passions, beneath it all. There is no place for me. No place for me where I long to be most. 

All I want is to be loved how I love. To be unbearabley desired the same way I desire. I don’t want to hear about the love, I want to feel it. I don’t want to put walls up around my own thoughts but my voice is not safe... so in the walls it stays. 

I feel I deserve freedom from the walls but seeking it would break everything. Seeking it would shatter the subtle beauty we have worked so hard for. It has been beautiful…so why do I not feel loved? 

My pain comes because of her. Her who is my perfect storm of unbound bliss and utter torture. With her I am safe except for when I am not. With her I feel hope except for when it turns to agony. With her I am whole except for when her apathy shatters all passion. 

Time has been my fruitless hope. A sorry promise of changes to come. However, in the end my choice will never change. I will stay because of the exact rightness of it all. My burden, always to combat the fact that I do not, and will not feel loved. This the ever present darkness in my soul.

I will be told of the true love that there is for me every day, yet I will not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel loved. This is my fate that I must choose to accept, day after day. For if I do not accept this fate, I would fall. I would fall far enough that my life would become ash at my own hand.